Life

Okay so part of coming back into focus is being a little fuzzy, going in and out a couple of times.

I have determined that DH is depressed. I should have seen it a long time ago, seeing how I have made it through it once before. And still seem to be fighting it at times. I am hoping that getting him to the doctor to talk about his ADD that the doc will see the depression too. Here's to checking your fingers crossed.

I am very tired and ready for the end of the school year. The kiddos are ready for it too. Is it sad that I am looking forward to JUST going to classes? Yep, that is right I am going back to school for my masters. At least I am moving towards my PhD. My current problem is funding. We have a significant amount of debt and ended up owing money to the government this year, yay. So we are trying to pay down the debt and get back to right side up. [Sigh]

Back to fuzzy for now...Em

Why am I typing at 6:40 am?

I don't know...but I haven't been writing here much lately and I haven't really been journaling much lately either...so I am guessing this feeling I am having is from not doing either. I recently realized that I am getting into long conversations when long conversations are needed. I guess my psyche is trying to compensate for not getting things out. So here we go.

I really, really, really love teaching. And I really, really, really want my own room. While I am perfectly happy helping out the teacher that I am subbing for, it is still their room with their stuff, their bulletin boards, their layouts. See the thing is even though I am a sub, I really want these kids to do well...and no I don't know why I care so much. And I even care that much about the ones that don't.

Second, DH is maybe actually quitting drinking. He even went so far as to talk to the doctor and get the medicine that makes you sick if you drink. Unfortunately, though it does not help with the withdrawal symptoms and I am not wanting to deal with him in withdrawal. I will. But it doesn't mean I have to like being treated like dirt and getting snapped at and the general disagreeableness of a man without a drink for a month until he gets out of it.

I also have learned not to get my hopes up. He always does good for 4 or 5 months then something happens. Sometimes it is something big and obvious, sometimes it is something most of us would barely even notice, but either way it is read by DH as catastrophic, must have drink. And off we go again. So I ain't holding my breath, but we will see and hope...a little, that it sticks this time.

Anyway, sorry for the generally depressing post. But I am a generally depressed mood...I promise to come and tell you about the chickens and other fun, happy stuff when the rain lets up.

Later,
Em

Getting used to alone

So it is the Fourth of July...at 8:55pm and I am at home with the babies...alone. Thats right, no bbq, no fireworks, no nothing. DH is out doing a fire watch for a fireworks show with his radio guys (oh he has a new hobby of HAM radio). So you ask why the hell aren't you there with him? Well that is just it, I could be there but not with him...you have to be in the group to go and stand that close to where things might fall on your head. So I could have gone and fought the crowds ALONE...and that makes you feel that much more alone. So here I sit. I am planning a nice little spa night with a brand new Joss Stone cd. (BTW, she ROCKS!)

All of this is to say that I am getting used to being alone. It gives you time to think. And in my case, study and HOPE for a nice middle school teaching position. The thing that is mildly disturbing is the fact that I am alone in a house with a DH right there. How the hell are you alone when there is another human right there? Almost all the time. That is very disturbing, how the hell did we get here...in the same house yet alone. It is sad.

To add to this, I have lost myself...at least my religion. I am actually considering putting away my altar. Not getting rid of it, just putting away the stuff for a while. I am still pagan, but I just don't want the stuff right now. I guess I need to be alone.