Life

Okay so part of coming back into focus is being a little fuzzy, going in and out a couple of times.

I have determined that DH is depressed. I should have seen it a long time ago, seeing how I have made it through it once before. And still seem to be fighting it at times. I am hoping that getting him to the doctor to talk about his ADD that the doc will see the depression too. Here's to checking your fingers crossed.

I am very tired and ready for the end of the school year. The kiddos are ready for it too. Is it sad that I am looking forward to JUST going to classes? Yep, that is right I am going back to school for my masters. At least I am moving towards my PhD. My current problem is funding. We have a significant amount of debt and ended up owing money to the government this year, yay. So we are trying to pay down the debt and get back to right side up. [Sigh]

Back to fuzzy for now...Em

Just when...

Just when I am getting happy with where I am and what I am doing, DH goes and throws a curve ball.

For the past few months, we have been discussing what we will be doing for the next few years. You know general couple discussions. Well, we had come to the conclusion that I should go through getting my teacher's certification and teach in grade school for a few years before I go back to get my PhD. I want to get my PhD in Philosophy and ultimately teach at a college. This was to accomplish the goal of getting rid of the debt I had built in school the first time around and get rid of the little of "regular" debt we have as well before I throw myself into yet another four years of school. So that is what I have wrapped my head around...I have gotten excited about having a classroom full of pre-teens hopefully ready to learn.

Then, DH's curve ball...He has been traveling for work for the past three weeks (to the corporate office) and has been getting the usual joking, picking and ragging about not living there. So he calls me the other night and starts in on the university that is near the office. Does it have the program I want? Would I want to go there? Would I be willing to go with him next week and meet with people there? And he actually says, when I mention the debt and the fact that we had decided I should work for a while to help get rid of it, "I don't care, I just want you to either work or be in school, either way." WHAT!!! The money man, that one that has been bitchin' about debt and money, is saying that I can go to school instead of making more money????

All of that is great, don't get me wrong. I REALLY want to go back school, that is why I want to be a teacher, well really a college professor, because that is the only way that I get to be a student forever. And I want nothing more than to get on with the school...but I had stopped looking at schools, stopped looking at class listings, stopped looking at the things I want to learn...and I started learning what is needed for classroom teaching and put my desires away for a while.

Basically, I did this to keep myself sane. If I had continued looking at class listings, it would have made me crazy. Proof of what I could be doing, or things that I should be learning, just general excitement to me :) that would push me over the edge, while I was biding my time to get to go back to the good ol' college campus. But now, DH calls me and begs me to go to the college site and see if what they have is what I want...Sigh...I am back to yearning to be in a classroom...a college classroom...and to be learning.

And all of this is happening three days before I have to take a test for my certification...:( I am sure that DH will get back here and realize that it isn't feasible to move right now in this market and with the debt that we have, and I will be back to practical. Which is fine, and it is still on the path to where I want to go, it will just take a little longer to get there. But now I have to come back down from the contact high that I get from a college course catalog.

Well...

I am soooo sorry that I have gone into complete hiding as of late. After graduation, I have been lost in what to do, and have ended up not doing much at all. I have succeeded in getting accepted into a alternative teaching certification program and I have decided to teach 6-8 grade, reading/English, history or social studies (depending on what I get hired to do). And that is pretty much it.

I have been hanging out, getting a butt load of reading done. I have found The Teaching Company and its extensive array of DVD lectures that have provided learning and entertainment. And YES I did say learning...I miss school. A LOT. More than I thought was possible. The books I have been reading have been philosophy stuff (as well as some "fun" stuff too). But I think the philosophy is fun and interesting. And it has given me a lot of reflecting to do, and a lot of questioning too. And that is probably why I haven't been here much.

It is hard to think this stuff out, much less write it out. I have tried talking it out, thinking it out, dreaming it out, and writing it out...and none has made anything any clearer. But I think that is the way it is supposed to go. Read something, think about it, see where it fits within your beliefs or if it even does fit, and if it doesn't is it something you want to add to your beliefs. Will this change your beliefs? Will your beliefs hold up to what you add? If they don't are they really worth it?

So there you go. That is a peak into what is going on in my brain, and it is just a peak...a full view would lead even the sane-ist of people to the way of madness. And I don't want to be held responsible to adding to the crazies of the world.

I promise to try and be better about keeping you filled in.

Later days,
E