Ok so its been awhile...

Sorry about that! I really did intend to update a bit more over the break that is now almost over. I do have a good reason though...my break wasn't nearly as uneventful as planned. For those of you who have been reading for a while (or for some reason was bored enough to go read the archives) you know that DH is an alcoholic and for a while he was not drinking. Well that is not the case now. He is back full force, I think worse, but he says he isn't. Anyway, I have been trying to figure out what to do. And tonight I discovered an interesting website that suggested that I do nothing.

Let me qualify that a bit. More that I should wait for him to want to do something and love him, not judge him in the mean time. The love part is not hard at all, because I do love him with all my heart. And I don't judge him for drinking, I understand that this is a disease over which he has no control. He is sick. It is the waiting for him to want to do something about it that is VERY difficult for me. If you are sick you go to the doctor, right? He is a very smart man, why can't he just go to the doctor?

The other part of the eventful and heart-breaking break was that my grandmother was diagnosed with a third type of cancer. She has had breast cancer and uterine cancer, and on Christmas day she went to the hospital with a blockage that the doctors thought was caused by the radiation for the uterine cancer. But it wasn't. It was colo-rectal cancer. They did surgery and believe that they got it all, but we are still waiting on the test results.

So all of this brings me to religion. (Just keep reading it will make sense in a minute, promise.)

Religious people usually pray when something happens. They pray for healing, for understanding of why something is happening, for strength to get through, for strength to handle what happens next. Praying happens in many ways; an unspoken plea, a lighted candle, a spell, mediation. I, like the rest of my family, have been doing a lot of praying lately. For good doctors, for good outcomes, for strength for me, the doctors, my family. And in this I have come to a conclusion? Realization? Epiphany?

I think there is a reason to pain and suffering. We need it. There is a reason why my grandmother, who is a devout Christian and NEVER second guesses what God may have planned, has had now 3 types of cancer and why she continues to survive and have faith. There is a reason my grandfather (also devout Christian) doesn't let her see him cry at the pain she suffers. And there is a reason that I continue to love a very broken and sick man.

Pain makes us question our beliefs. Suffering or watching someone we love suffer has a way of either strengthening our faith or challenging it. I am not saying that suffering is fun, it MOST definitely is NOT! I am just saying it is necessary. For some it tears their belief system to shreds, for others it makes it stronger; either way there is a chance to reevaluate beliefs, verify them. In a way this is the answer to the prayer for strength. It is that whole "be careful what you wish for" thing at work, so always remember to word your request wisely.